Lain

What isn't remembered never happened. Memory is merely a record

Tabi no Tochuu

All alone,
on a journey, I lost my way;
as I stood still, my heart alone wandered.
But now I can walk again,
as far as I need to;
yes, ever since I met you
on this road.


The song travelers sing,
though I don't know it,
sounds familiar to me
as long as I'm with you.


If the world we dreamed of
exists anywhere,
let's go look for it,
beyond the wind.
The freezing dawn,
the parched midday,
the trembling night;
let's go see what's at their end.


Your eyes, which
know loneliness well,
blink, and that color
is reflected.


I'll fly into the sky
and become a crescent moon;
those mint-colored stars must be
shards of tears.


A dock in the country to the east; the western sea;
a southern town in a dark forest; a golden tower;
a hill in the south, shaken by water; above all, the same moon.


As long as you'll let me
hold your hand,
how far shall we go?
Together with you,
I can go anywhere.
Let's go embrace
the rustling scent
of a world yet unseen.

I want to be the sky for you 

enveloping all of your pains 

whenever I look up, I want to feel 

that I'm not alone even if I'm far away 

let there be a place I can return to

I'm still living happily  

in this city without you 

because I feel that  

that's the one thing I can do now

I'd like to add that this is also true for my situation

I told myself

That I was wise

That I was strong

But Realized

That I was much closer to wrong 

You tell yourself

That you are weak

That you are so ugly

And you cry yourself to sleep each night

You're incomplete 

But do you believe in a future you can change 

Don't lose hope

Even though you can't see it I know

Things are getting better

Don't let go

We are here with you, you know

Everyone needs time

So don't lose hope

Are you watching closely?

After much thought, I decided that my life story has been written by Christopher Nolan. If anyone even understands these ramifications, congratulations! However, if you have no idea what I'm talking about, then it's likely that you never really spent time with me talking about anything whatsoever. (a little harsh, isn't it?) Don't worry, there's still time you can spend with me before any of this fades away.

Just looking back at my life 'experiences' I can see that I've gone through 2 'cycles', or in other words, the format of every Nolan movie. I am currently in 'The Turn'. I've been showed my life and everything that's good about it, and now it's been completely turned on itself. My problem is that I keep on looking around for the prestige, and waiting for it to happen; but I've never really considered the possibility that maybe I've had my original or true nature shoved in my face. Has the prestige already come, or am I just stuck in the lifeless state of the turn?

If you wanted more out of this... tough luck! Go read a book, and get off your computer!

mission week 5

I have been super busy, and I apologize for not writing a letter last week, but I was using my time for some 'different' purposes. On that note, I have a stack of letters that I need to respond to. I hope that you will all understand if they are a little late for some purposes I will try and explain... 

 

I really don't want to sound arrogant with the way I say this, but I think I have had one of the most unique MTC experiences out of anybody. Not only have I seen each of my parents twice in the last 2 weeks, I might be one of the first missionaries sent home on medical leave for a cough! It's only a stupid lingering cough, but there is a slight possibility that I have Pertussis (whooping cough). Honestly, if it is whooping cough, then the MTC would have to essentially quarantine itself and give everyone boosters. Could I have single-handedly infected the entire MTC??? Never mind, that's giving myself way too much credit. ;)

 

Other than the constant running around to doctor's appointments, and worrying about what might happen to me, things have been going pretty good. I've had the chance to listen to 4 different general authorities (2 of them emeritus). I especially liked what I heard from Elder Vaughn Featherstone, and Elder Gary Coleman. They both talked about changes we can make in our lives to become better missionaries, and be more Christ-like.  My entire district is awesome, and they constantly look for ways to help me out. I truly appreciate what they do for me, and I try my best to reciprocate that kindness.

 

The Provo Temple finally opened up yesterday, so today I got to go there for the first time in about a month. I absolutely love the temple, and performing different ordinances in there gives me a feeling that I can't get anywhere else.

 

I find out later today whether or not I am being sent home. I'll try and keep you all posted on what ends up happening.

 

Love, Elder Chris Porcelli

 

"Any excuse no matter how valid, always weakens the character."

-Vaughn Featherstone quoting Thomas S. Monson

I really wish that I could say my week has been eventful orexciting, but most of it was just spent in bed. I still have a horrible chronic cough, and my nausea just started acting up last night. I went in for chest x-rays on Monday, and the doctors couldn't find anything wrong with my lungs. I was then sent over to the counseling office here at the MTC, and I was completely cleared psychologically. So that means the sickness isn't being caused by stress. At this point we have no idea what is causing it. I have my own suspicions about a killer virus that can't be found until it's too late, but that's just a little hint that I have. I am awaiting a steroid prescription that will supposedly help my lungs, but I'm skeptical about that working if nothing else has at this point.

 

I have fallen behind quite a bit with the language because I haven't been in the classroom at all, but I think that I'll be able to catch up pretty quickly.

 

At this point, I don't have much else to say, my week was pretty uneventful. Other than seeing a few people here that I wasn't expecting, nothing has happened on my end. I promise that my letters will get longer again, but right now I'm only writing as much as there is to report.

7/5/12

 

Just to start out with, thank you to everyone who has sent me letters or packages during my time here. I appreciate all of the love and support everyone has shown towards me.

 

I used a lot of the advice that everyone gave to me regarding my companion Elder Judd. It seems as though we are getting along well, and that any problems we had with each other are behind us. I have had a pretty stressful week otherwise, so I'm glad that I didn't have to deal with my companion as much as I thought I would. I have been sick for the last week or so. Other than for serious surgery, I don't think that I have ever been this sick before. I have been into the health clinic here at the MTC twice in the last 4 days, and both times I had different symptoms and received different prescriptions. I got Claritin for nasal congestion, and Ranitidine for acid reflux and intestinal distress on Monday. Today I went in and got a cough supressant, and got an inhaler for breathing problems (apparently the doctor thinks i got asthma by moving 20 miles south). I have been in a lot of pain and discomfort, and I have completely missed the last 2 days of classes because I was confined to my residence hall. As of now, we are only treating symptoms, because we can't seem to figure out exactly what I have. I have another appointment scheduled for this next Monday. My guess is that I'll show up with completely different symptoms than before, and I'll get 2 more prescriptions. The one thing that we can almost assuredly drop out of contention is that I got all of this from missionary stress. I actually did think that stress might have played a big role in all of this, but I guess that I really am sick. Oh well.

 

On a happier note, I have really been humbled by this experience. I've only been here for 2 weeks, and I feel like it's been 2 years already. I feel like as soon as I stepped into this blessed campus I pretty much forgot all of the outside world. All that I have now is family and friends.

 

I am still struggling with the language, but that is to be expected at this point. I am eating healthier, exercising as much as possible, and it seems to be paying off for the most part. Other than being deathly sick with the plague, I have felt really good about my health.

 

As a side note, I get to read letters throughout the week (including dearelder emails), and I only get to read other emails on Thursdays as well as write my email and other letters.

 

I forgot to add in my last letter that I saw Koy Ash, Rachel Black, James McKinnon, and Boone Smith last week. No new missionaries this week that I recognize though.

 

Love always, Elder Chris Porcelli

 

P.S. write more dearelders!!!

My first week in here has been incredibly difficult, and I hope that it will start to get much better. We've been teaching an investigator for the last 4-5 days already (all in spanish). My grasp of the language really isn't very good, and I seem to be stalling a little bit with my learning. For the most part I've been having a pretty good time here at the MTC, but I really feel as if something is missing and I can't quite get over it. I'm trying my best at everything that we do in here. I think that I am one of the advanced missionaries here in regards to knowledge of the gospel and how to apply it to daily life.
I think the hardest thing about life here is that my companion is very contentious. He seems like an angsty version of me from 2 years ago, but he's 24! I feel really bad about our strained relationship, but he tries to find something wrong with everything we do, and the majority of that is focused at me. Other than that, life has actually transitioned pretty smoothly. I am still my regular happy-go-lucky self ;) My district is awesome, and we are all pretty tightly knit already. There are 5 of us in my district that are going to McAllen, so that was pretty surprising, and really cool. This morning was the first real break that we've been able to take all week. Our P-day is each Thursday (not counting last week, which is why you haven't received any letters yet). I am looking forward to the feeling of relaxation that comes with P-day each week. We went to the temple this morning and had a really good endowment session. The spirit was really strong, and for once I didn't feel like punching my companion. This week we had the amazing opportunity to have L. Tom Perry speak to us. They have been training all of the new mission presidents, so there were 10 of the apostles that sat on the stand for the devotional! I have seen many other missinoaries here that may or may not be of interest. Alex Christofferson, Trey Dougher, Ty Fox (who left on Monday),Isaac Fox, Ethan Harris, Sam Piccolo, Eric Emery, and Brandon Fanaika (who is in my zone, and is super awesome btw). Thank you for the letters and packages over the last week, I appreciate all of them and I'm very thankful for all of you. Please remind anyone who might interested in contacting me that dearelder.com is free! Also, I love getting food in the mail, but I would like to ask for not as much from now on. (if you haven't noticed, eating a lot of food right now isn't going to help me too much) :P Again, thank you so much for the love and support. I'm looking forward to our family fast this Sunday, and I hope that we can all receive many blessings for it. I love you all so much, and I already want to be out in the field. Love, Elder Chris PorcelliP.S. Emily, sadly the answer is no, I'd love to let you use it, but It's something that I cherish very much. Don't worry, you'll be ok

Chris is in he MTC

I'll post pictures and letters here soon... Check back often

Farewell Talk

Elder Christopher Dean Porcelli
MTC Mailbox # 269
TX-MCAL 0820
2005 N 900 E
Provo, UT 84604-1793


Here is my farewell talk for anyone interested. I thought it was pretty amazing ;)


Good afternoon brothers and sisters. It is my great privilege to speak to you today. I hope that in some way my message can reach into your hearts; and that it won’t just linger for a while and fade away. First of all, I must say that I generally do pretty well in front of crowds. I tend to use little tricks and mechanisms to help me out. The one I would like to use today is to pretend like everyone is here for the sole reason of hearing me talk one last time before I leave. This might give me a puffed up sense of myself, but it will help nonetheless. And anyone that knows me personally should know I have a huge ego to start out with.

I have been thinking about this moment for quite a while now. One thing that was going through my mind quite a bit was almost a plea asking that I don’t have to speak at all on humility. Either I would blank, or I would spend a good 20 minutes rambling on about how humble I am. I really have been humbled the last few months and even years with living away from home, dealing with a variety of different illnesses, and preparing myself to leave all of you for 2 years.

I was given a rather unique opportunity to choose my own topic. Brother Black asked me is if there were any subjects that the spirit might be prompting me to speak on. 3 things immediately came to mind. The first was a pretty tender subject for me; excuses. I have learned in my life how harmful excuses can be, and I wanted to share my ‘wisdom’ with all of you. The second was a message given by Elder David A. Bednar in the October 2005 General Conference on becoming a missionary. The final thing I want to talk about is something that is very dear to my heart, and that is the atonement of our lord and savior Jesus Christ.

As I was searching through lds.org for content on excuses (there aren’t any definitive articles on excuses by the way), I came across an article by President Uchtdorf from the ensign last July. The article is called Brother, I’m Committed. It starts out with a story of 2 young brothers standing on a small cliff overlooking a crystal clear lake.

This was a popular diving spot, and the brothers had often talked about making the jump—something they had seen others do.

Although they both wanted to make the jump, neither one wanted to be first. The height of the cliff wasn’t that great, but to the two young boys, it seemed the distance increased whenever they started to lean forward—and their courage was fading fast.

Finally, one brother put one foot at the edge of the cliff and moved decisively forward. At that moment his brother whispered, “Maybe we should wait until next summer.”

The first brother’s momentum, however, was already pulling him forward. “Brother,” he responded, “I’m committed!”

He splashed into the water and surfaced quickly with a victorious shout. The second brother followed instantly. Afterward, they both laughed about the first boy’s final words before plunging into the water: “Brother, I’m committed.”

Commitment is a little like diving into the water. Either you are committed or you are not. Either you are moving forward or you are standing still. There’s no halfway. We all face moments of decision that change the rest of our lives. As members of the Church, we must ask ourselves, “Will I dive in or just stand at the edge? Will I step forward or merely test the temperature of the water with my toes?”

“Some sins are committed because we do wrong; other sins are committed because we do nothing.”

There is a difference between intention and action. Those who only intend to commit may find excuses at every turn. Those who truly commit face their challenges squarely and say to themselves, “Yes, that would be a very good reason to delay, but I made covenants, and so I will do what I have committed to do.” They search the scriptures and earnestly seek the guidance of their Father in Heaven. They accept and magnify their Church callings. They attend their meetings. They do their home or visiting teaching.

I would like to add missionary work to that great list of commitments. Not only am I obeying a commandment from the lord, but I am keeping covenants and commitments that I have made with him.

You and I, today and always, are to bear witness of Jesus Christ and declare the message of the Restoration. … Missionary work is a manifestation of our spiritual identity and heritage

Proclaiming the gospel is not an activity in which we periodically and temporarily engage. And our labors as missionaries certainly are not confined to the short period of time devoted to full-time missionary service in our youth or in our mature years. Rather, the obligation to proclaim the restored gospel of Jesus Christ is inherent in the oath and covenant of the priesthood into which we enter. Missionary work essentially is a priesthood responsibility, and all of us who hold the priesthood are the Lord’s authorized servants on the earth and are missionaries at all times and in all places—and we always will be. Our very identity as holders of the priesthood and the seed of Abraham is in large measure defined by the responsibility to proclaim the gospel.

Elder Bednar says, “In meetings with young members of the Church around the world, I often invite those in attendance to ask questions. One of the questions I am asked most frequently by young men is this: “What can I do to prepare most effectively to serve as a full-time missionary?” Such a sincere question deserves a serious response.

The single most important thing you can do to prepare for a call to serve is to become a missionary long before you go on a mission. Please notice that in my answer I emphasized becoming rather than going. Let me explain what I mean.

In our customary Church vocabulary, we often speak of going to church, going to the temple, and going on a mission. Let me be so bold as to suggest that our rather routine emphasis on going misses the mark.

The issue is not going to church; rather, the issue is worshipping and renewing covenants as we attend church. The issue is not going to or through the temple; rather, the issue is having in our hearts the spirit, the covenants, and the ordinances of the Lord’s house. The issue is not going on a mission; rather, the issue is becoming a missionary and serving throughout our entire life with all of our heart, might, mind, and strength. It is possible for a young man to go on a mission and not become a missionary, and this is not what the Lord requires or what the Church needs.

You will not suddenly or magically be transformed into a prepared and obedient missionary on the day you walk through the front door of the Missionary Training Center. What you have become in the days and months and years prior to your missionary service is what you will be in the MTC. In fact, the nature of the transition through which you will pass in the MTC will be a strong indicator of your progress in becoming a missionary.

I believe that I have had a golden opportunity the last few weeks as I have had a job working with many non-members. Many of these people I worked with didn’t have much respect for the church. However, most of them knew exactly what going on a mission was. I got a very interesting reaction when I told each of them that I was going on a mission. First of all, they began to clean up their language immediately. This really surprised me, because of the amount of language they had each used before they found out. When I asked one of them why they had stopped, I got a very short answer; “I don’t like Mormons very much, but I respect guys who go on a mission.” The next thing that happened was an almost constant stream of questions about the church. The majority of them were focused on either the word of wisdom or the law of chastity. I surprised myself a few times with the answers I gave, because the words didn’t really seem to be coming from my own mind. I believe that through many of those Q & A sessions I was being led by the Holy Ghost.

I believe that I have been prepped to teach the message of the gospel since I first started primary. My family has and always will be the most important thing in my life. I am thankful for all the sacrifices they have made for me. Especially my mother for all of the service she gives to me, as well as the love and comfort I have always felt from her. It was incredibly difficult for me to move away from home last year; but the hardships and trials I have faced in the last few years have strengthened not only my testimony with Christ, but my personal relationship with him. I know that he watches over and helps me every day of my life. He atoned for our sins that we might all conquer death. I know that he knows each and every one of us personally, and that we will be blessed if we reciprocate the love that he shows us. I believe that I have made one of the best decisions I can ever make in life by going on a mission. I hope that when I come home I might be greeted with the message from Mathew 25; “Well done, thou good and faithful servant” (Matthew 25:21). I am very thankful for all of the support I have received through friendship and kindness. I know that Christ atoned for our sins, and that he loves each and every one of us. I have a testimony of Joseph Smith and I know that he was called of god to restore the church upon the earth. I know that President Monson is a living prophet on the earth today; and that we should listen to and heed his counsel. I leave these things with you in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

He will be here for me when I get back...

Prometheus synopsis

If you haven't seen Prometheus yet, I would highly recommend it as a great visual, sci-fi, and existence-questioning movie. It had many of the elements that made Alien great. It transcends the original visually, but lacks some of the more famous scares and plot twists. One of the better performances was given by Michael Fassbender as he played the android David. This is just a quick synopsis of his role throughout the film.

What are they avenging?

All these things that I've done

I have been struggling with this thought for a very long time, and I still don't know how to put into words properly. This is my best attempt at 'meaningless' thought process. Our society looks to judge on actions rather than intentions (outside of criminal cases). Christ looks on the intentions of our hearts. I wish to look at the perceptions we have of ourselves. We might do something like help a friend in time of personal crisis, give advice on life in general, or introduce someone to the gospel (as gently as you can). I have only the best intentions for these actions, but how do i perceive these actions looking back?

Maybe your comfort didn't change anything that you'd hoped for, your advice was taken in a wrong way, or your gospel 'lessons' didn't take hold and are forgotten almost instantly. I might then perceive my personal actions as being misguided and unimportant.

My next thought is very difficult to even manifest in my own mind, but i guess it has to come out in some form. I will likely contradict myself several times, but isn't that my intent for this lesson to properly take hold? Lets say we take these actions and shape a person from them. Do we shape them from the actions themselves, their intentions, or their own perceptions of past decisions that didn't pan out? By now I really hope that you're starting to catch on to my train of thought (because I've lost it a little at this point). Is this person shaped by the perceptions of others, themselves, or the perceptions the individual has of how society perceives them? My belief is that there is some pure mixture of the three included with the original intentions of their heart. Because regardless of perception there was an original intention, and some of the worst things imaginable have been done with the best intentions (bad movie, good quote).

No, there is no impact from this entire thought process. I got tired of writing it, so it is staying right where it stands. Why did I write it? I wanted to see how well I could put something like this into words. I believe I've failed miserably, because I could only get about halfway through (the rest of my thoughts actually to a great conclusion and impact, but I don't think I'll share that with you). Figure out the rest for yourself, I'm sure you are really smart. ;)

Validation

Why do we seek to validate ourselves with those around us? It's something that we all suffer from. Even those that try to be as far from society as possible still try to make everyone see why they're doing so. I write on my blog for the purpose of the enjoyment of others, as well as to validate my own opinions and views of the world. If I never posted this, would it create a paradox? Would me writing about outward validation conflict with keeping something to myself?

Tribute to my Childhood

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Oh come! oh teach me nature to subdue, renounce my love, my life, myself — and you. Fill my fond heart with God alone, for he alone can rival, can succeed to thee.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!

With finals to get ready for, this has never been more true...

I am in a really weird mood right now, I just watched a very thought-provoking movie last night, and I thought I would try and be thought-provoking myself. I decided that i should be a poet, so I cranked a few out this morning. Yes, I know that the majority either won't make any sense, or they will be intensely un-gratifying. Either way, I don't care. This is for me. (mostly, its kind of for everyone too though, otherwise I would put it all online)

How many times  must it be done over to get the same feeling as before? I am in a deathly, endless torment, unrelenting in its quest to enfold me in the ghosts of my past. It isn't good to revert back to my old self, but its all that I know.

The danger of having a good life is that you never have the chance to know your true self... The part of you that only comes out at the brink of existence. You can truly know someone by how they act in their last moments.Your inner self is all that should matter to you, so why not bring it out?

Release me from my snare! I do not want this life anymore! I don't deserve this pain and anguish, nobody does. How can I get another life? I can't. It's just not a possibility. I say to myself, "I want to be like those happy people over there." I won't, and can't find any solace in that prospect, because they are saying the exact same thing about me.

You can't always get what you want. What you want isn't always the best thing for you. What you need is arbitrary compared to a necessity. The necessities you can live without determine who you are as a person. Few people find out who they really are. It's too bad we try so hard to get what we want...

Why is it so important to be important? Importance is only important for importance sake. Why should I be important? How do I know if I am important? Does self-importance even matter? Do I have to be important  to myself in order to be important to someone else? Or do I first have to be important to someone else in order to be important with my self?

A storm is coming. A storm that will swallow the children, and I will deliver them from the kingdom of pain. I will deliver the children back to their doorsteps; I'll send the monsters back to the underground. I'll send them back to a place where no one else can see them.

Being better can only go so far. If you were always better, then you would eventually become perfect without the ability to be better. Is it then possible to be the best? "There is always someone better than you." This statement is forever and true to life. Therefore, nobody can ever be the best. So why do we try to achieve that which is un-achievable? We see those that are better, and wish to reach that level of 'being better'. Too bad there's somebody better.

The most motivational thing a person can do for others is to be self-motivated.

Cellar Door

As the school year comes to a close, I have feelings of regret, sadness, and hope. Regret, because of how much social activity I truly missed this semester. Sadness, because there's a high chance that I may not ever see or interact with some of my friends ever again. Finally hope, because despite the fact that I'm leaving for 2 years, everyone else will be carrying on with their lives. I have hope that some people will straighten their lives out, some will find true happiness, and a very precious few will stay in contact with me. ;)

“He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would surely suffice.” 

- Albert Einstein

"The impossibility of knowledge, even in regard to our own ignorance or doubt, should induce the wise person to withdraw into themselves, avoiding the stress and emotion which belong to the contest of vain imaginings." -Pyrrho

This my excuse for being an introverted genius ;)

All the time!!!

I feel pretty accomplished right now. I just took 3rd place in a t-shirt design competition with this design. I ended up winning a $25 gift card to Walmart. Its not exactly the greatest prize in the world, but I'm just happy that I did so well in this particular competition. 

You lifted me up, but now you've brought me down. I look for an escape, but you've offered me none. I don't know where to go, because your guiding touch is no longer there. I look in the mirror and realize that you haven't changed me for better or worse, I did that all on my own.

So I just opened up my mission call on Wednesday, I'm going to McAllen, Texas!!! I'm super nervous because I have to learn a new language, but I guess I'll pick it up pretty quickly. I'm at the southern-most tip of Texas, so I know that the majority of those I'll be teaching will likely be illegal immigrants. I feel like I will be able to reach out to these people more than most. I have a pretty big capacity for accepting and understanding. I feel as if I've been thrust into one of the chapters of Alma. I won't be serving for 20+ years, but I'm sacrificing a very important time in my life to go and teach in a 'foreign' land. I'm a little nervous about my living conditions; there is a lot of violence, and the threat of hurricanes is always there. I'm super excited to go regardless, and can't wait to get out into the field ASAP!